This is hard! Typing this out while simultaneously going through withdrawals. It’s been 44 hours, I think, since my last dose. I am dizzy, confused, unable to concentrate, irritable, and exceedingly sleepy. The pharmacy was able to refill my prescription today so relief is on the way soon.
Do you ever wonder if the medication determines who we are? I know that I take a lot of meds. I’m very strict about my regimen. Since I have been on my meds for a number of years now, I am quite comfortable with the person I am . . . as regulated by the medications.
But fighting the withdrawal symptoms now makes me wonder what kind of person I might be without the meds. I am cranky and grumpy now, although I think I am successfully fighting it. The problem, after all, is short term. I can fight the negative symptoms knowing I’ll be able to resume lamotrigine soon. That should stabilize my mood. Right? So, without lamotrigine, my mood is less predictable. Would I want to be around myself if I were not taking lamotrigine?
What about quetiapine? Or, venlafaxine? Or, aripiprazole? Who am I in light of this one little insight derived from the one day lack of lamotrigine? I’m a little old for an identity crisis, although I know my identity, even without this current crisis, is always in question.
Would I have survived all of this if I were to have lived in a time before the medications? Would I have offed myself? Or would I be homeless? Institutionalized? Incarcerated? Or, maybe I would have been an elected official???? A little insanity is useful for politicians or so I’ve heard.
